I Think I Cried Wolf One Too Many Times

It feels like I'm reaching out, grasping at everything I touch, begging everyone to stick around no matter how much they're hurting me. (Or maybe I'm hurting them.) I feel manic in my head, total mess, unhinged or unglued at the core, just begging the lights inside my skull to turn off so I can … Continue reading I Think I Cried Wolf One Too Many Times →

Opaque

Sometimes I feel like I live in a glass house with opaque walls. From a distance, it's just a blur of whatever this house contains, But come closer and you'll make out what's happening inside. My life is both hidden in plain view and vividly on display. I both hate it and beg for the … Continue reading Opaque →

Overthinker

[Repost from January 2021] Image courtesy of Mitch Martinez It's thick in my head; the smoke of insecurity. Little fires of doubt and ashes of over thought, they're scattered around and almost always in action. I pretend the fires are out, say I'm all out of doubt; I'm not as tough as I seem. I'm … Continue reading Overthinker →

There's So Much Left To Say:

And I've put it in this poem for you. [Repost from 2020] I've spent months swallowing the burning feeling in my throat, letting it create a fire in my belly until the eruption of feelings and words I've never said make their way to my mouth, with nowhere to spew the words out... Until now. … Continue reading There's So Much Left To Say: →

Value in the Violence

I'm different because of you. I used to think it was a curse; a defect in the aftermath of us. I convinced myself it made me weak to be damaged by your time in my life. Don't get me wrong, if I could I would change how I jump at sounds and how I wake … Continue reading Value in the Violence →

Faithless

I'm mad at God right now. Or maybe He's mad at me, cause its been pretty fucking silent on the other side for quite some time. I got in my car, drove for hours last night, screamed at Him until my voice gave out and then cried out noises that broke my own heart. Why … Continue reading Faithless →

Traumemory

Shh... Quiet your mind. Inner peace is so hard to find. Feel the feelings, think the thoughts, and hope by morning you've forgot where mouths have been and hands have hit, how loud your head is when you sit and think all those traumatic thoughts. Just hope come sunrise you've forgot.

Monotonous

If we're being honest, which I always try to be, I'm struggling right now; not because things are bad but because they're not bad and I don't know how to deal with that. I'm much more comfortable in chaos.

Faulty

I'm wired wrong, but I don't know how to fix the short circuits. I tried to reroute the wires, manage the cables better, install new software, bypass the problem altogether. Still, the connections are not being made and I'm left faulty and fearful. What if I cannot fix the error? Will I be loved? Cherished? … Continue reading Faulty →

The Heat of Chaos

[Repost from September 2nd, 2020] A flashback to the final night. July 2019: I am not okay. I am a total mess back on the floor of a home that has been drenched in lighter fluid and intentionally set on fire. The walls are hot with flame, the linoleum is melting under me, but I … Continue reading The Heat of Chaos →