Sometimes, I think of the reality; of how I might one day be the "Gone too soon" woman. The "She will be missed" mother. The "I wish I would've known" friend. And what scares me most is that it's even a reality in the first place.
Sorry for the Silence
We fought about my insecurities and you made the comment, "You're just going to keep bringing this up, so why finish the conversation?" And I've been lost in my head ever since, obsessing over the issue and noticing little things that make me wonder, why would he do that? But I can't say anything to … Continue reading Sorry for the Silence
Burn The Pages
I sit with a zippo in my hands, lit, dancing against the pages of a paperback novel I hesitated to write. Flame licks worn page corners, begs to devour the stories inside, and I don't hesitate to allow it's feast. Inferno engulfs, delighted by the memoir; allows me to watch the burn as singed words … Continue reading Burn The Pages
When It All Comes Crashing Down.
I think I finally grieved all that I needed to last night; sat on the balcony for what felt like hours, cried out pain I've clung onto. I yelled at God for abandoning me, prayed for protection of my life, asked the universe to spare me. I let out all the frustration and fear, all … Continue reading When It All Comes Crashing Down.
She shouldn't have to tell you it bothers her more than once, nor several times. What is a big deal to her is a valid feeling to have. The real question is why haven't you done anything to change?
If You Love Someone With Severe Anxiety, Maybe You Should Read This.
I want you to close your eyes. Imagine it's nighttime on a warm summer night and you're standing in the middle of a four-way stop. A streetlight nearby illuminates the area around you just enough to see you're in a quiet residential area. There isn't a car, or person, or animal in sight. You're alone … Continue reading If You Love Someone With Severe Anxiety, Maybe You Should Read This.
It’s Late and I’m Up Overthinking Again
It's in the still silence of my empty bedroom that I feel the deepest; convinced I will never be enough for you, despite your reassurances. I'm ready for you to come home.
The Secret I’m Keeping Is Eating at Me (Stuck in Limbo)
I had an hour drive to the hospital today; another day of pokes and prods and tests. I listened to music without lyrics because I thought hearing words might make me cry. I cried regardless. Honestly, life feels stuck in limbo right now. Like it doesn't matter what I say or do; I might not … Continue reading The Secret I’m Keeping Is Eating at Me (Stuck in Limbo)
I’m Just Hoping I’m Jumping To Conclusions…
For as long as I can remember, I have been simultaneously fighting for my life and taking advantage of it all at once. Once, I tried to take my life. Several times I've had to fight others for it. Often I've risked death for the thrill of feeling alive (Ironic, huh?). And now, I'm regretting … Continue reading I’m Just Hoping I’m Jumping To Conclusions…
It’s Not All Sunshine and Rainbows, Robin.
My therapist tells me I need to focus on positivity, and I am trying my best to, but there is fear in leaving the comfort of sadness. Happiness has always been fleeting, while sadness has remained my rock. I'm comforted by the midnight cries into a pillow and drags of metal across delicate flesh and … Continue reading It’s Not All Sunshine and Rainbows, Robin.