I think I've done that thing again; where I break my own damn heart, searching for "A-ha!" moments, and ruminating on painful thoughts. Is this an In-My-Head thing? Or a red flag? I'm just not sure where to go from here...
Tag: fear response
Old Mindset
One simple thing, presumably innocent, and I am right back in an old mindset. Maybe I'm not as secure as I thought. Maybe it's intuition or maybe it's fear. I don't know. All I know is I'm too unbelievably lost inside my head tonight.
Monster, Monster
I told someone a little about you, the things you used to do, and once again I forgot it wasn't normal. It made me wonder if you ever do think about those things too; if you feel guilty for losing your morals. Do you think of how you grabbed my wrist out of anger and … Continue reading Monster, Monster
Symptomatic
I was fine. I was fine and then I heard an unfamiliar noise and I couldn't tell where it was coming from, and the first thought that came to mind was How did he find me here? Twenty-three steps between me and safety. I was fine and then I wasn't and I was scared of … Continue reading Symptomatic
Cherry Red
Cherry red lines lined along porcelain. Glides over delicate, leaves a stain. The internal is external now. The body betrayed, mind asks how. A two year hiatus thrown away. But she was doing okay. (She wasn’t doing okay.)
Commitment Issues
Maybe I don't have a fear of commitment, but a fear of committing to the wrong one instead. I'd give everything I have to someone if I knew they truly meant what they said.
[Over]think
I live inside my head. I don't mean to, and I definitely don't want to. I'd rather live in reality instead. Do you know what it's like to overthink? It feels like you're under a turbulent sea of thoughts and memories and fears, and all you can seem to do is sink. People tell me … Continue reading [Over]think
Monster (Not Man)
You were too busy yelling to notice how she flinched at your sudden movements and made herself smaller in your presence. She did her best to put you on a pedestal, bow at your feet and sing praises to you, because happy you was how she stayed safe. Did it make you feel good to … Continue reading Monster (Not Man)
The Heat of Chaos
A flashback to the final night. July 2019: I am not okay. I am a total mess back on the floor of a home that has been drenched in lighter fluid and intentionally set on fire. The walls are hot with flame, the linoleum is melting under me, but I remain curled up on the … Continue reading The Heat of Chaos
Ghost [of You]
I hear your voice in the soft mumble of strangers in a coffee shop, In the swoosh of a car zooming by on the interstate, In the rumble of a thunderstorm off in the distance, In the rhythm of unfamiliar songs playing on the radio. I feel the sharp edge of your tongue as you … Continue reading Ghost [of You]
Fire & Female 